Dear Amy: I have been divorced for two years. I often see my two young daughters and I remain on good terms with my ex.
Several friends, dating back to my college years, chose to “side” with my ex-wife.
There was no side to take, because I believe that our divorce was our affair and not theirs. Some have simply said nothing, and others have implied that they are surprised by the failure of our marriage and do not want to be around the person (me, supposedly) who caused the failure — this which of course is a classic,” he said, she said. ”
But I recognize that they are free to choose.
In a moment of anger, I stopped following all these people on social media, but now I miss following their families and their lives, even through a screen.
I considered writing each of them a “mea culpa” email or letter, wishing them luck and asking them to reconnect.
Is this the best course of action, or should I let sleeping dogs lie?
I’m in a healthy new relationship, but longing for friends from the past, who seemed to be jumping ship at an uncomfortable time for them, but a time when I needed them most.
— Missing Friends
Dear departed friends: These people are all completely out of your life at this point, and because of that, there’s no downside to reaching out.
Either they accept your bid and let you in, or they continue to respect their “unfriend” status.
However, I detect a certain tone in your request. From your description, it appears that you have left home and your wife is now the primary parent raising the children.
Given these details, added to the fact that you abruptly cut off contact with all these people, you behave like a protagonist who now relies on the consequences of the choices he made.
Yes, divorce is awful, especially when there are children involved.
Friends pick sides, and while that seems loose, they often choose to identify with the parent who has the kids and the house, especially if they also have kids and there’s a strong social history between the families. .
Your obvious frustration and defensive posture won’t help your case.
Your mea culpa might include: “This was the hardest time of my life. The dust seems to have settled and we are pretty well placed. I’m working on my own issues and making progress. I find that I really miss seeing updates on your life. We share such a long and rich history. I hope to reconnect, at least via social networks.
Dear Amy: My nephew is graduating from high school this month and I was NOT invited to the graduation or any open house they are having.
I saved a considerable amount of money to give it to him, but now I wonder if I should even send it.
I never get any thanks from him (or his parents, for that matter) for the gifts I send for birthdays and holidays.
Now I think I would rather use the money for the expenses I have, but I know it will sever a very worn relationship I have with my brother.
What do you think?
My brother already knows how much I’ve saved, so if I send less, he’ll probably call me.
— Frustrated Aunt
Dear Frustrated: If your brother knows how much you saved for his son and he doesn’t even bother to include you in one of their graduation celebrations, then I’d say this family is not at all eager to receive a gift from you.
I think you should take a very modest amount of your savings, slip it into a card for your nephew, and call this case absolutely closed.
If this money from you is the common thread in your relationship, then I think you should cut it.
You are officially off the hook forever.
Enjoy your release. Hope you treat yourself to something nice.
Dear Amy: “Swim Parent” is pressured to ferry a neighbor’s daughter to and from swim practice, without help from neighbors.
I agree it’s not fair, but this parent is a model of respect and kindness to these girls. They will both remember it.
– Was there
Dear summer there: I agree. Respect and kindness: More difficult to master than the butterfly stroke.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.